


He's Not My Type

by AwkwardSweatyCabages



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: M/M, Mary is a wine mom, joseph is a cheater
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 19:38:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11653344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardSweatyCabages/pseuds/AwkwardSweatyCabages
Summary: Joseph is wound up tighter than a screw and he needs some relief. Some relief will make him feel better. Robert comes into the bar one night and offers to help with his problem.





	He's Not My Type

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at work cause I was so bored.

Joseph could not make his desires any more prominent. He made sure in the cul-de-sac knew that he was married while hinting that he was open for business. He tried seducing Craig, Brian, and Hugo but none of them were interested in participating in Joseph’s affair. No one was 100% fond of Mary but they didn’t want her to get hurt.

Joseph began getting frustrated emotionally and sexually. All him and Mary would do is fight. Not violent, but they would spend the night screaming in each other’s faces while the kids hid in Crish’s room. He was wound up so tight and he kept telling himself that one night of meaningless sexwould cure his sadness; however, no one would give him what he needed and it just pissed him off to no end.

He sat alone in his bedroom, face in hands. He felt like crying about his imploding marriage but he didn’t want his kids to find him. They had never seen their dad cry and he wanted to keep it that way.

He looked through his fingers, seeing Mary in the doorway.

“Are you crying?” she crossed her arms.

“No. I’m not.”

“Too bad. I can admire a man who cries.”

Joseph stood up in one fast stomp.

“You know what, Mary!?”

“What, Joseph!?”

“You always insult me and kick me when I’m down! You’re my wife! Act like it!”

“Maybe I would if you acted like a decent husband! You think I haven’t noticed how you go out asking for cock all over the goddamn neighborhood!?”

“Well God knows that you aren’t satisfying me anytime soon!”

“Fuck you, asshole!”

“Kiss my ass, psycho bitch!”

Joseph shoved his wife aside, leaving the room.

“Where do you think you’re going!?” she followed him.

“Out for a drink!”

“If you sleep with anyone else, don’t bother coming home!”

Joseph left, slamming the door behind him.

He was just so angry at Mary and himself. Every time he started yelling at Mary, he immediately felt guilty for making his kids so upset. Chris, Christian, Christie, and Crish were beginning to fear their parents and that was eating Joseph alive.

He began to think how he hadn’t baked with Christie in more than a month. Chris had been hyperfocused on his video games while Christian had occupied himself with some new Marvel heroes. Crish was just a baby, he probably had no idea his parents were even fighting.

Joseph was in desperate need of alcohol. His eyes were watering and he was not about to cry in public.

He entered Jim & Kim’s, snapping his fingers.

“Neil!” he called. “Neil!!”

“I hear you, Mr. Christiansen,” Neil began preparing a margarita. “Mary ain’t with ya?”

“Don’t even say her name. That devil woman’s driving me insane.”

Neil passed Joseph the drink.

“Ever consider divorce?”

“I can’t do that to the kids. Also, it goes against my faith.”

“Lots of Christians get divorced.”

“Not me,” Joseph drank his margarita in one swift swallow.

“Need more?”

“Of course.”

Neil was getting sick of the attitude so he just made the other drink without a word.

“Hey, Neil is a good kid. Don’t chew his ass just cause Mary is drivin’ a pole up yours.”

“Quiet, Robert. This isn’t the time to pester me.”

“Or what?” Robert sat by Joseph. “You’ll kiss my ass?”

“I could.”

Robert snorted. “Sure, Christiansen. Sure.”

Robert gave Neil a look.

Neil poured Robert some whiskey.

“B-T-Dubs, Mary is a way better drinking partner,” Robert took a swig.

“Now now, Rob.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I can call you whatever I want.”

“Nuh-uh. You lost that privilege.”

“I don’t think I did.”

“You did when you side-hoed me, dick breath.”

“I don’t have dick breath. Not yet at least.”

“Wow. you’re a real class act, Christiansen.”

“I try,” joseph sipped at his margarita.

He was loosening up quite nicely.

“I heard you tried picking up Craig,” Robert said.

“And?”

“You couldn’t get Craig. He’s way too good looking and likable to give you the time of day.”

Robert knew how to push Joseph’s buttons in all the wrong ways.

“I could get Craig!”

“Not in a million condoms, sweetheart.”

Joseph slammed his glass down.

“I don’t need to take this from a man who can’t keep a steady relationship with anyone! Not even with his own child!”

Robert stood up slowly, towering over Joseph.

“Do NOT bring Val and me into your fucked up love life.”

Joseph got up too. He had a few more inches on Robert.

“Then stop shitting on my good mood.”

“Woah fellas,” Neil chimed in. “I’m only getting $9.50 an hour. That’s nowhere near enough to pay for any damages you two cause.”

Joseph gave Robert a big ear-to-ear grin.

“Yeah, Rob. Let’s take this outside.”

“I’d rather take it to my place,” Robert gave Neil some cash. “You didn’t see nothin’, kid.”

Neil blinked twice. “Uh… okay?”

Joseph let Robert drag him around like a misbehaved dog.

Robert opened his door.

“You left it unlocked? That’s dangerous.”

“I got nothin’ too valuable for anyone to steal. And if they take my knives, I’ll hunt them down myself. Now shut up.”

Robert shoved Joseph onto the wall, ass out.

“Wow.”

“I said shut up,” Robert began kissing Joseph’s neck, then biting.

“Mmmm, Robbie. You’re too much.”

Robert grabbed a handful of Joseph’s blonde locks, pulling his head back.

“Baby, do you not understand the meaning of shut up?”

“Guess not. I’m a screamer.”

“You’re also a youth minister.”

“Yeah, a cool youth minister.”

Robert groaned.

Joseph pushed his ass back into Robert’s crotch.

“Come on,” he cooed. “Ravish me. Make me scream to the Lord himself.”

“Ya know what I think, Christiansen?”

“Hm?”

“I think that you're going straight to hell.”

“If you join me, it won’t be so bad.”

Robert rolled his eyes, giving Joseph’s ass a firm squeeze.

“Take me to your bed. This wall is too cold.”

“You know where it is, doll.”

Robert let Joseph lead the way.

Joseph fell right onto the bed, legs open.

“Godammit, Christiansen.”

“Come on, Small.”

Robert climbed onto Joseph, kissing him roughly as he stripped both of them down.

“Can I ask you something?” Joseph trailed kisses up and down Robert’s neck. “I could get Craig, right?”

“Joseph,” Robert yanked off the minister’s briefs. “Not even for a handy-J.”

Before Joseph could retaliate with something clever, Robert shoved two fingers inside.  
Joseph let out a wail.

Robert chuckled. “Didn’t see that coming, did ya?”

“I like - ah! Surprises…”

“Believe me. I know.”

Robert added finger number three.

Joseph moaned with no ounce of shame. “Rob!” he pushed his hips onto those thick fingers. “Oh, Robert! Yes!”

“Yeah, baby.”

“You could enter me anytime now.”

“You think you’re stretched out enough, doll?”

“Yes. I can’t wait. I need you.”

“Geez. How long has it been since you got off?”

“Too long. Way too long.”

Robert shrugged and got himself ready.

“I don’t have a condom.”

“Good. I want to wobble home with your jizz filling my tight ass.”

“Son of a bitch!” Robert lost it.

He went balls deep into his neighbor in one thrust. Joseph wasn’t kidding when he said it had been a while. He was tighter than his personality.

“Oh, Robbie!!” he cried out.

“You. Are. Such. A. Whore.”

Joseph just smiled at Robert.

“I - ah! Prefer cool - ah! Youth minister…”

“You’re the farthest thing from a minister.”

“Maybe so,” he grabbed Robert’s shoulders. “Guess I’m more of a demon.”

“Son of a bitch, Joseph!!” Robert came inside the minister.

“So warm… I love it,” he shivered. “But I’m not done yet.”

“Well I ain’t superman. You took everything outta me, ya lil devil.”

“Sorry but I’m not leaving until you get me off.”

“Ugh. Fine. I’ll suck you off.”

“Yeah, baby. Suck me clean.”

“No. Not if you’re gonna say that.”

“Come on. You finished so fast. You owe me.”

Robert pulled out. “I’ll make a deal with you.”

“Oh?”

“You walk home with your sweet ass stuffed with cum and I’ll suck you off. Deal?”

“Of course!”

“Yeah. Eager whore.”

Robert gave Joseph a lick.

“Robert,” Joseph moaned out. “My sweet heart.”

“I am anything but sweet.”

Robert stopped talking. He began to only pleasure Joseph. Seeing his good Christian neighbor get all riled up and bothered was a dream come true.

Joseph began slurring out sweet nothings.

“Why did we stop doing this?” Joseph curled his toes.

“Cause you got real stupid, sweetheart. You just caught me on a good day. I’m also just the right amount of drunk for this.”

“Sh… Work some more of your sinful magic.”

“You’re just as sinful as the magic I work.”

Robert continued and Joseph began to lose whatever sanity he had left in him (which wasn’t much).

“Rob! Robert! Oh God! Yes! So close! Robert! Robert!”

Robert felt his mouth fill up with hot cum. He pulled away and swallowed thickly before giving a satisfied “ah~!”

“That was great, Rob. Just what I needed.”

“Alright. Now get on walkin’ sunshine.”

“Okay, okay,” Joseph got himself dressed and gave Robert a sloppy kiss. “Call me whenever you need some relief.”

“Sure. Now go. I wanna see how good you can walk with an ass full of me.”

Joseph grinned. “I can walk just fine. After all, experience makes the man, right?”

“Oh my God.”

Joseph strutted out the door, giving Robert a flirtatious wink. He went all the way home with no trouble at all.

Robert didn’t know whether to be impressed or disgusted, so he felt a mixture of both as his neighbor disappeared into his home.

Joseph let out a sigh of relief when he got inside. It wasn’t as easy walking home as he thought it’d be. He headed straight for the shower.

He was stopped by Mary, who was strolling down the hallway.

“It’s 2-fucking-AM.”

“Okay. And?”

“I told you to not come back after sleeping with someone else!”

“What makes you think I slept with someone?”

“It’s 2-fucking-AM!!!”

“That means nothing.”

“Screw you, Joseph!”

“I went drinking! That’s it!”

“Whatever! Sleep on the couch tonight, you rat bastard!”

“Fine!”

Joseph moved passed her, into the bathroom. He locked the door and took a pleasured breath. He stripped and stepped into the shower. He touched his bite marks and grinned. He let the cum flow out of him and leaned his head on the wall.

He hadn’t felt so much bliss in years.

“What Mary doesn’t know won’t kill her,” he told himself.

He knew that that was a much nicer way of saying that he was cheating on his wife with her dear friend and drinking buddy. Not to mention that he disobeyed his faith.

None of that mattered at this point though. All he could think about was his next fuck with Robert Small.


End file.
